OPEN!NG UP TEH MAILS

dear toby,

i had a dream last night:

i was playing bass for guns and roses on this enormous stage in front of thousands of people. before we went on, axel gave me a piece of paper with all the changes for all the songs. when we got on stage, i had lost the paper, didn't have the changes. the stage was so big that the other band members were literally a hundred yards or more away, so i could barely see them. i couldn't hear my bass at all in the monitors but the soundman behind me kept yelling that it was fine on the house speakers. so the throngs could hear what i was playing but i couldn't. therefore i had no idea if what i was playing was right. i kept playing in A and hoping for the best, thinking someone would surely tell me if i was out of key. no one did. the soundman in my dreams probably just turned me down in the mix. fucker.

yr friend,
chris m

Well Chris M.,

You did the right thing.

Toby

VOICEMAIL EXPERIMENT #46: THE FAN THAT DISPELS THE SMOKE AROUND ACTION

Left for me Friday January 16th 3:16 pm EST


"I could just see you sitting at some workbench, like, meticulously and manically, you know, fashioning this lure, you know, like, up for days, refusing sleep and food and everything all in the quest of fashioning the perfect lure to catch this perfect fucking fish. That it's probably no longer even about the fish, really. It's probably about something in you now. And, uh, probably something that you gotta prove, or something left undone...On some level, probably something as simple as can you catch it –still? Can you have it if you want it –still? Can you you gain some kind of unseen upper hand that doesn't really exist, you know? You gotta ask yourself, man, whats it all really about? What are you really trying to do, man? Clarify your intent in one sentence. If you can come with one sentence thats not bullshit that is, you know, no, you know, bullshit about it. One sentence on your true intent, with this situation, I think that'd be very, very useful to you and I would love to hear that sentence when you get it. And don't make it a fucking compound sentence or a runon sentence or any kind of bullshit. I'm talking about one sentence. I may allow one comma, depending on the use of the comma, but nothing more. So. And then you know, further, I think, if we could, you know, in any situation whittle our intent down to one non-bullshit laden sentence; I think thats a good thing. Find the sentence. I wanna hear the sentence. Maybe help me find my sentence. Fuck. This. Bullshit. Take care, brother."

SO I NEVER LEARNT MY AA BB CC'S

Adam's Apple
Baby Bottle
Carbon Copy
Drug Drawer
Electric Eel
Fatal Flaw
Good Graces
Half-Hearted

NASHVILLE KNIVES DOWNLOAD

The Nashville Knives feature "Picker" Dan Bilger on guitar, Ryan Deasy on bass, Barry Elkins on mandolin, and Toby Oler on banjo.
01. Heartbreak
02. Barefoot Nellie
03. When I Swam Across the World (Becky Levi featuring the Nashville Knives)
04. Southern Flavor>Columbus Stockade Blues
05. Slewfoot
06. Foggy Mountain Special>White Freightliner Blues
07. Stealin' Hearts
08. Hard Times
Click for Download

LAST POST OF 2008 VOICEMAIL EXPERIMENT #45

left for me on
nov 30 12:37 pm Eastern Time


"The man looks at me and he says, 'life is like making sausage.' He says, 'you take some good shit, some real good shit, but you also take some real bad shit, like teeth and bone, but also good shit like meat. See, you take the whole range of shit from the really nasty fucked up shit to all the way to the really good shit and you grind it. Ok. And its work. The grinding is work. Its a process to take all the shit and you combine it into one thing, ok, into one thing that's not fucking fantastic, but its decent. It's good to have, you know what I'm saying. It's not steak. It's not fucking prime rib. But it's better than nothing and it's ok on crackers with some mustard, you know what I'm saying?'

“So often we ponder life. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad? What is it? Well, you know what? It's some really good shit. It's some bad shit. Its some fantastic shit and some bullshit. But once we grind, and if we grind, and the grinding's not easy, mind you, but if we continue to grind; the finished whole that we will get is something that is better than nothing. It's decent.

"So I had to listen this dumbass for, like, two hours to get this sausage making metaphor, but I got it and I think thats why I was there is to get this. So...today, thats what we're working with; life is like making fucking sausage. Ok, and ultimately, that metaphor gives you somewhat an optimistic look on life, cause like I said, what you get what you get when your done is ok, it's not great but it's ok. Such is life.

"So we've got performing above the median. We've got life is like making sausage and I'll tell you, that's really, you know, all I'm working with so far this morning. Uhh, its pretty early here. I've only been out of bed for about forty five minutes. Uhh, my hair does look pretty fantastic, so I got that going for me. Also, got some new sunglasses on. I'm feeling pretty good about that. It's super overcast here, but you know me and sunglasses, plus I got new ones, so I'm totally fucking wearing 'em."

THE RETURN OF CHRILISSA: THE TWO HEADED MONSTER

The Stereofidelics are a multi-instrumental martial arts indie jazzrock duo that fights in the style of the octopus.  North Carolina's own Chris Padgett and Melissa Mcginley are two of my favorite buddies to pick with and could tell a lot of stories on but won't.  They recorded their debut album, Only Sleeping, at their mountainside chateau and music compound, complete with bidet at 2200 feet above sea level, Nowhere Studios. They are probably coming to your town soon, so check out their tour dates at www.thestereofidelics.com or at www.myspace.com/thestereofidelics.

THE NEVER DONE NARCOTIC

It's the never done narcotic.

This gift to man from science

lasts a lifetime, plus or minus.

Now we all have steady focus

and I'll tell you where we got it;

It's the never done narcotic.

It eliminates redundancy

so start with scrubbing one for me

get down on your hands and knees

that that's a moving sponge I see

must scrub until all space is free

scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub

until time is occupied by none

and if I spy a dusty speck,

a spotted pook, a paltry fleck

I'll tell you, if there is a single one

that our work here is never done.

It's the never done narcotic.

BARRIO TENEMENTS

Hello November.

ORIGINS OF TIME EXPLAINED?

ONE FOR THE TREBLE

I paid. The Pakistani behind the counter tersely bid me good day and turned back to the flatscreen where the volume was already cranked on his Bourne Supremacy DVD. He was moments away from the good part. I don't know if he realized it or not. As I walked back out onto Telegraph, I got the distinct impression that everything was alright.

TWO FOR THE BASS

Moments away from the good part.

HOW TO SIDELINE A MULE

I wouldn't say I grew up with mules plural. We had one, Marvin, and briefly two, but she died while giving birth. One day a trailer from Nebraska pulled into the drive, backed up to the calf barn and dropped her off, heavy with colt. Marvin would bray from the adjoining lot and drag his dick on the ground. With age, he has mellowed. I learned that, like all animals, including us, if you feed him, Marvin will be your friend. Some mornings, Marvin will nudge his feedpan out under the gate as a gentle reminder. He still serves as a combination rooster/watchdog.

I remember Dad tying headstrong little steers to Marvin to break them to halter. It was an entertaining tandem. If the mule wanted to drink, they would get to drink. Same for eating and generally anything else. If the mule wanted to. Stepping out of line meant getting donkeybit along the ridge of the neck or kicked. A day or two on the mule's schedule was enough to strip a young calf of its' will.

But how to break a mule, an animal long noted for its stubbornness? On smokebreak near Council Bluffs, Iowa, an old horsetrainer just told me. It's called sidelining.

How to Sideline a Mule:

Attach one end of the rope, noose-style, around any of the mule's legs. Pull it tight. The best place is the joint just above the hoof. A sheepskin or leather tie is best because nylon can break the mule's skin.

Pull up on the leg and once it is raised and bent at an angle approaching 90 degrees, tie the other end of the rope around the mules neck. The mule is now rendered three-legged. As soon as they lose balance, they lose confidence.

After your mule has fallen over, place a tarp over it. Make sure it is completely dark under there. Give it a couple hours.

Remove the tarp. Your mule will be a blank slate. And always carry a knife like this in case something goes wrong.