LAST POST OF 2008 VOICEMAIL EXPERIMENT #45

left for me on
nov 30 12:37 pm Eastern Time


"The man looks at me and he says, 'life is like making sausage.' He says, 'you take some good shit, some real good shit, but you also take some real bad shit, like teeth and bone, but also good shit like meat. See, you take the whole range of shit from the really nasty fucked up shit to all the way to the really good shit and you grind it. Ok. And its work. The grinding is work. Its a process to take all the shit and you combine it into one thing, ok, into one thing that's not fucking fantastic, but its decent. It's good to have, you know what I'm saying. It's not steak. It's not fucking prime rib. But it's better than nothing and it's ok on crackers with some mustard, you know what I'm saying?'

“So often we ponder life. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad? What is it? Well, you know what? It's some really good shit. It's some bad shit. Its some fantastic shit and some bullshit. But once we grind, and if we grind, and the grinding's not easy, mind you, but if we continue to grind; the finished whole that we will get is something that is better than nothing. It's decent.

"So I had to listen this dumbass for, like, two hours to get this sausage making metaphor, but I got it and I think thats why I was there is to get this. So...today, thats what we're working with; life is like making fucking sausage. Ok, and ultimately, that metaphor gives you somewhat an optimistic look on life, cause like I said, what you get what you get when your done is ok, it's not great but it's ok. Such is life.

"So we've got performing above the median. We've got life is like making sausage and I'll tell you, that's really, you know, all I'm working with so far this morning. Uhh, its pretty early here. I've only been out of bed for about forty five minutes. Uhh, my hair does look pretty fantastic, so I got that going for me. Also, got some new sunglasses on. I'm feeling pretty good about that. It's super overcast here, but you know me and sunglasses, plus I got new ones, so I'm totally fucking wearing 'em."

THE RETURN OF CHRILISSA: THE TWO HEADED MONSTER

The Stereofidelics are a multi-instrumental martial arts indie jazzrock duo that fights in the style of the octopus.  North Carolina's own Chris Padgett and Melissa Mcginley are two of my favorite buddies to pick with and could tell a lot of stories on but won't.  They recorded their debut album, Only Sleeping, at their mountainside chateau and music compound, complete with bidet at 2200 feet above sea level, Nowhere Studios. They are probably coming to your town soon, so check out their tour dates at www.thestereofidelics.com or at www.myspace.com/thestereofidelics.

THE NEVER DONE NARCOTIC

It's the never done narcotic.

This gift to man from science

lasts a lifetime, plus or minus.

Now we all have steady focus

and I'll tell you where we got it;

It's the never done narcotic.

It eliminates redundancy

so start with scrubbing one for me

get down on your hands and knees

that that's a moving sponge I see

must scrub until all space is free

scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub

until time is occupied by none

and if I spy a dusty speck,

a spotted pook, a paltry fleck

I'll tell you, if there is a single one

that our work here is never done.

It's the never done narcotic.

BARRIO TENEMENTS

Hello November.

ORIGINS OF TIME EXPLAINED?

ONE FOR THE TREBLE

I paid. The Pakistani behind the counter tersely bid me good day and turned back to the flatscreen where the volume was already cranked on his Bourne Supremacy DVD. He was moments away from the good part. I don't know if he realized it or not. As I walked back out onto Telegraph, I got the distinct impression that everything was alright.

TWO FOR THE BASS

Moments away from the good part.

HOW TO SIDELINE A MULE

I wouldn't say I grew up with mules plural. We had one, Marvin, and briefly two, but she died while giving birth. One day a trailer from Nebraska pulled into the drive, backed up to the calf barn and dropped her off, heavy with colt. Marvin would bray from the adjoining lot and drag his dick on the ground. With age, he has mellowed. I learned that, like all animals, including us, if you feed him, Marvin will be your friend. Some mornings, Marvin will nudge his feedpan out under the gate as a gentle reminder. He still serves as a combination rooster/watchdog.

I remember Dad tying headstrong little steers to Marvin to break them to halter. It was an entertaining tandem. If the mule wanted to drink, they would get to drink. Same for eating and generally anything else. If the mule wanted to. Stepping out of line meant getting donkeybit along the ridge of the neck or kicked. A day or two on the mule's schedule was enough to strip a young calf of its' will.

But how to break a mule, an animal long noted for its stubbornness? On smokebreak near Council Bluffs, Iowa, an old horsetrainer just told me. It's called sidelining.

How to Sideline a Mule:

Attach one end of the rope, noose-style, around any of the mule's legs. Pull it tight. The best place is the joint just above the hoof. A sheepskin or leather tie is best because nylon can break the mule's skin.

Pull up on the leg and once it is raised and bent at an angle approaching 90 degrees, tie the other end of the rope around the mules neck. The mule is now rendered three-legged. As soon as they lose balance, they lose confidence.

After your mule has fallen over, place a tarp over it. Make sure it is completely dark under there. Give it a couple hours.

Remove the tarp. Your mule will be a blank slate. And always carry a knife like this in case something goes wrong.

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND IT DAWNED ON ME

YOU STILL GOT SOME DRIVING TO DO

GETTING UP TO SPEED

Monday, August 04, 2008

It’s time.

Good morning. I'm on the fifty eighth floor. I've already met my team, mostly young professional women, and been shown the bathrooms and canteen. There I acquired a quarter of a bagel. Temping again.

My emergency kit lies before me. It is a stylish orange pouch sealed tightly with Velcro.  The quiet of the office is disturbed as the contents spill out onto my desk.

The pouch contains:

1 3M Model number 8233 Respirator/Particle Mask
1 Silver Flashlight containing two generic and expired Double A batteries.
1 Hermetically sealed packet of "Emergency Drinking Water"
1 Emergency Survival Blanket 84 inches wide by 52 inches long This blanket retains personal body heat and can be used as ground cover as well as a signaling device for air support.
1 Small battery operated AM/FM radio with earbud headphones
1 Glowstick
1 Whistle, orange.

I put the glowstick and whistle away. Closing my emergency pouch and placing it in the bottom drawer, I begin to wait.

2 hours ago, I was waiting to meet Nicole from HR.  I spied a roach as big as my thumb on the floor of the receptionist's office.  It was headed towards the door.   The receptionist, filling in for Imelda who is out on vacation, made a call and two men in polo shirts came and disposed of the intruder.  Facilities.

"He came up through floorboard," they said,

"We are remodeling the suite below.  No cause for alarm.  If there are other problems, you know how to reach us."