Sunday, October 19, 2008

ORIGINS OF TIME EXPLAINED?


ONE FOR THE TREBLE

I paid. The Pakistani behind the counter tersely bid me good day and turned back to the flatscreen where the volume was already cranked on his Bourne Supremacy DVD. He was moments away from the good part. I don't know if he realized it or not. As I walked back out onto Telegraph, I got the distinct impression that everything was alright.

TWO FOR THE BASS

Moments away from the good part.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

HOW TO SIDELINE A MULE

I wouldn't say I grew up with mules plural. We had one, Marvin, and briefly two, but she died while giving birth. One day a trailer from Nebraska pulled into the drive, backed up to the calf barn and dropped her off, heavy with colt. Marvin would bray from the adjoining lot and drag his dick on the ground. With age, he has mellowed. I learned that, like all animals, including us, if you feed him, Marvin will be your friend. Some mornings, Marvin will nudge his feedpan out under the gate as a gentle reminder. He still serves as a combination rooster/watchdog.

I remember Dad tying headstrong little steers to Marvin to break them to halter. It was an entertaining tandem. If the mule wanted to drink, they would get to drink. Same for eating and generally anything else. If the mule wanted to. Stepping out of line meant getting donkeybit along the ridge of the neck or kicked. A day or two on the mule's schedule was enough to strip a young calf of its' will.

But how to break a mule, an animal long noted for its stubbornness? On smokebreak near Council Bluffs, Iowa, an old horsetrainer just told me. It's called sidelining.

How to Sideline a Mule:

Attach one end of the rope, noose-style, around any of the mule's legs. Pull it tight. The best place is the joint just above the hoof. A sheepskin or leather tie is best because nylon can break the mule's skin.

Pull up on the leg and once it is raised and bent at an angle approaching 90 degrees, tie the other end of the rope around the mules neck. The mule is now rendered three-legged. As soon as they lose balance, they lose confidence.

After your mule has fallen over, place a tarp over it. Make sure it is completely dark under there. Give it a couple hours.

Remove the tarp. Your mule will be a blank slate. And always carry a knife like this in case something goes wrong.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

GETTING UP TO SPEED

Monday, August 04, 2008

It’s time.

Good morning. I'm on the fifty eighth floor. I've already met my team, mostly young professional women, and been shown the bathrooms and canteen. There I acquired a quarter of a bagel. Temping again.

My emergency kit lies before me. It is a stylish orange pouch sealed tightly with Velcro.  The quiet of the office is disturbed as the contents spill out onto my desk.

The pouch contains:

1 3M Model number 8233 Respirator/Particle Mask
1 Silver Flashlight containing two generic and expired Double A batteries.
1 Hermetically sealed packet of "Emergency Drinking Water"
1 Emergency Survival Blanket 84 inches wide by 52 inches long This blanket retains personal body heat and can be used as ground cover as well as a signaling device for air support.
1 Small battery operated AM/FM radio with earbud headphones
1 Glowstick
1 Whistle, orange.

I put the glowstick and whistle away. Closing my emergency pouch and placing it in the bottom drawer, I begin to wait.

2 hours ago, I was waiting to meet Nicole from HR.  I spied a roach as big as my thumb on the floor of the receptionist's office.  It was headed towards the door.   The receptionist, filling in for Imelda who is out on vacation, made a call and two men in polo shirts came and disposed of the intruder.  Facilities.

"He came up through floorboard," they said,

"We are remodeling the suite below.  No cause for alarm.  If there are other problems, you know how to reach us."